Strategic Approach

*Catch upset early

*Recognize early warning signs and take them seriously

*Seek to empathetically understand your child’s perspective and AFFIRM

*Understand that jumping right to solutions or explanations only makes it worse

*List top triggers and solutions to avoid or minimize and give advance warning if unavoidable

*Drink cold water

*Rinse face with cold water

*Brush skin with soft bristle brush

Goals

**See the problems coming rather than once they’re activated

*To think clearly in the midst of frustration over time

*Parent models behavior desired in child by remaining calm

*Provide an emotionally safe and supportive environment where child feels accepted

*Collaborative problem solving between parent and child at neutral time

*Make deposits into child’s emotional bank account

*Quality time? NO Questions or commands, use affirmations, child’s choice activity, learn the art of commentary, tell child you want to spend special time with them 10-20 minutes of one-on-one.  No phones or texting – just you and your child -“emotional banking” time.  Show lots of interest, discover at least one new or interesting thing about Keith.  Follow your child’s lead

Losing Formula

*Child inflexibility  +  Parent inflexibility =  Meltdown!

*Parent stressed, tired, distracted + child stressed, tired, distracted = Meltdown!

Basics

*Parent becomes aware of when they, themselves become triggered

*Parents model emotional calmness

*Learn to know bodily signs of early upset and STOP whatever is going on

*Diffuse upset [if caught early] by naming emotion, changing environment, empathic affirmation

*Child is taught to become aware of the start of confused thinking and signal someone

*Brain neurology is hijacked if upset not caught early

*Decide what you’re willing to compromise on rather than being rigidly inflexible

**Interpret upset, not as disobedience, but as Neural Hijacking 

*Pro-active in preventing triggering situations, give advanced warning of changes, avoid known triggers

*Speak in a respectful, calm voice without any interpretations or labels

*Thinking, feeling, problem solving, and communication work together in an integrated way

*Emotional flooding is contagious – parent must remain calm

*Remain warm, loving, accepting, and safe for your kid

*Model respect for your child

*Model flexibility for your child 

What Not to Do

*NO tattle-tale except in the case of safety issues

*Trying to use logic, reasoning, explanations, or problem-solving during upset will NOT work

*Force parent’s solution on kid – ask kid to collaborate on solution instead

*Raise your voice triggers the amygdala to respond to impending threats

*Become as emotional as your child will not help anyone

*Compare your child to anyone else

*Use insensitive language or phrasing that will hurt child but not teach them anything of value

*Force your point of view on child in upset – it’s not helpful to them even if there is value for you

*Making any kind of threats [loss of privilege, etc]

*Reverting to habitual ways of reacting when upset occurs

*Having the whole family rush in with high emotion – this is between you and your child only

*Not having others be accountable for their contribution to the upset

*Punishing during upset

*Form negative opinions and expectations about your child

*Rigidly insisting on obedience without getting the bigger picture

*Avoid forcing solutions

Early Warning Signs / Triggers

*Hunger *Sick or feeling ill *Fussing with Jade

*Tired *Bored *Restless

*Change in energy level *Mood change *Irritability 

*Fear of failure *Having to change plans without advanced warning

*Pressure from parent *Competitive situation

Full-on Volcanic Meltdown 

*Safety = #1

*Separate to quiet environment

*Supportive, calm words

*See the problem as a “skill set deficit”  

*Understand what you are seeing from a neurological point of view not as disobedience

*Because of past habitual parental reactions, a child believes they won’t get help in midst of upset

Collaborative Problem Solving

*Empathy:  acknowledging and validating child’s concerns and point of view [What is your child feeling, wanting, and needing in this interaction that’s not happening?]

*Is parent very clearly telling the child what you want your child to know?

*Help child articulate their concerns

*Take child’s concerns very seriously

*Establish safety boundaries prior to upset at a neutral time

*Parent maintains emotional self-regulation in spite of child’s distress

*Invite child to collaborate in problem solving

*Child and parent collaborate in anticipating problems

*”Ok, let’s talk about it after we’re calm and let’s find out how we can “anticipate” and make it work better next time and try not to keep repeating the same things that haven’t worked 

***For more information – Southam-Gerow’s books on emotional regulation are highly recommended as well as Ross Greene’s books on parenting

Inspired by Dr. Ross Greene

Handout by Lo Mehnert